her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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