how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just gargled with NyQuil
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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