Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
