Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
