His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My orgasm happened in two different decades
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
