the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
