Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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