I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
