i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
