Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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