Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
