my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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