I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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