Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
As shirtless as possible
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
