Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
