Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
zippers are such a cool invention
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
