doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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