guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
