why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
