On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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