If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
