Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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