his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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