i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
