I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
