i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
