Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize