Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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