There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize