the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize