Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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