I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
