Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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