I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
