so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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