i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
