I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
