I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
