You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize