I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
