Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
