Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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