the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize