So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
