I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
