i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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