Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
