Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
