Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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