you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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