remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
