i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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