I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
