'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize