I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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