You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
