What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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