you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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