My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
